Living Without Regret

As mentors, God may call us to help a student deal with the consequences of poor choices made in the past. In the context of a safe, grace-filled relationship, God may be calling us to help lead students to healing and wholeness through Biblical repentance and reconciliation.

As we continue to look at cultural trends in the lives of emerging adults (18-23 year olds), we examine the idea that emerging adults live without regret. According to Souls in Transition: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of Emerging Adults (Oxford University Press, 2009) many of today’s emerging adults have learned hard lessons from poor choices they have made in their past. They carry bruises and scars from those choices, yet say they have no regrets about past decisions, behaviors, or problems.

This is what emerging adults are saying, but is it really what they believe?

The authors of the study believe there is evidence that what the responders said may not match reality. The authors concluded that “it seems that the responders were putting on a brave front, saying all the right things, but not really believing the words they were saying”. That is as if the responders were trying to convince themselves that they can lock poor decisions in the past and leave them there.

They may have moved beyond those experiences but it does not mean they have dealt with them on a spiritual or psychological level.

Numerous students are very open about previous struggles. While they do not celebrate those decisions, they do claim to live without any regret. That was something they did “back then” and they are different people today. Yet in private moments as they mature, they recognize that baggage from the past will continue to affect them today.

Students need to understand the liberating freedom of God’s grace. The bruises and scars do not need to be buried in the past. They can be redeemed for God’s eternal glory and purposes. That is what it really means to live without regret.

 

Transition! Transition! Transition!

Smith and Snell in their book Souls in Transition: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of Emerging Adults (Oxford Press, 2009), demonstrate that the most pervasive and consistent theme in the lives of emerging adults is frequent and varied life transitions. They change jobs, schools, majors, places of living, and friends at an alarming pace. Change is incessant and little about their life is stable or enduring.

This cultural trend is consistently displayed on the campus of NCC.  Let me share with you a composite sketch drawn from real life examples. A student spends his/her first year of college on scholarship at a major state university. After one year he/she transfers to a Christian college for two years. After exploring a call to vocational ministry he/she ultimately decides to pursue a career in another field. In what could be the student’s senior year of college he/she starts over at a community college. Community college doesn’t work out so he/she returns to the Christian college to finish an associates degree. The student has an associate degree to show for six years of college. The student is a deeply committed Christian who is actively living out his/her faith, and there seems to be little regret regarding the time and money already invested in education or any decisions made to try something new.

Change is the new normal for 18-23 year olds.

This trend is having a significant impact on our educational ministry. It nearly impossible to accurately project retention rates. Every semester brings surprises about who does and does not return to college and the reason behind such decisions.

We may be personally disappointed and frustrated with their lack of stability, but as mentors we continue to encourage them to make wise choices and love them when they make foolish ones.

From a mentoring and spiritual formation perspective we must intentionally give better attention to equipping students with a stable and enduring faith. Everything else in their life may be unstable, but if we can help make their faith the one constant in their life then we have served our students well.

 

 

The Simplexity of Mentoring

Every time I have a conversation with a prospective mentor I go through the same struggle. How do I communicate the reality of mentoring truthfully and with authenticity?

Mentoring is about helping a student grow as a disciple of Jesus Christ in a relational context.

Sounds simple right?

Anyone can do it!

No special education required!

All you need is one hour a week, a listening ear, and a love for Jesus!

Simple? Yes. Easy? Not even close.

Mentoring is simple on paper but complex in reality—it is simplexity.

Anytime the dynamic of interpersonal relationships is inserted into the equation things get infinitely more complex.

How do we communicate the simplexity of mentoring with honesty and integrity?  How do we encourage without making it sound to easy on one hand or too difficult on the other?

Remember that it is in the challenges that real growth occurs. When we refuse easy answers and simple solutions and confront the depth and complexity of our brokenness God’s grace becomes real and healing begins to take place.

The Holy Spirit is the ultimate disciple maker. A mentor is a more experienced travel companion, not the expert who has all the answers. A mentor loves, encourages, listens, and prays, but ultimately trusts the Holy Spirit to do the real work of spiritual formation.

The principle of mentoring is simple. The process of mentoring is complex.

You are not in this alone, so do not grow weary and loose heart in doing good!

The Danger of “Wish Dream” Thinking

“He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and sacrificial.”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

We often speak of the importance of unity and community but often behave in ways that damage these ideals. One of the primary ways we damage community is by imposing our  “wish dreams” on the community and then demanding that reality match our expectations.

For example, a wish dream might be based on a previous mentoring relationship that was deeply impactful and highly important to a student. Perhaps a coach or teacher reached out to encourage him or her at a particular time in life when they really needed love and support. The mentor may have even served as a surrogate family in a time of stress or conflict.

Whatever the situation might have been, he our she may carry into the current mentoring relationship the expectation that it match the emotional depth and impact of the previous mentoring experience.

So what happens when the current relationship fails to match or exceed the wish dream? That is when frustration, anger, confusion, and disappointment occur and the relationship begins to deteriorate instead of grow and mature.

It is important to discuss with your student any unspoken wish dream thinking that might be hindering the growth of the relationship. Be aware however, of the possibility that as a mentor you may have your own wish dream that you are imposing on the relationship.

Bringing our wish dreams into the light of grace can often provide a breakthrough that propels the relationship into a realm of greater fruitfulness.

Responding to Acedia

Acedia is a term that means spiritual apathy or indifference. It is a state of spiritual listlessness where one has no interest in prayer or ministry. Acedia is a prevalent issue on the campus of a Christian college. The dessert fathers recognized the danger of acedia. Henri Nouwen in, The Way of the Heart (Ballentine: 1981), discusses the spirituality of the dessert fathers and how they responded to acedia with disciplines like solitude, silence, and prayer. This can be an amazing resource for helping students find new and unexpected ways to connect with God—especially when they are fighting against feelings of acedia.

 

 

Incarnational Mentoring

“Your Own Efforts ‘did not bring this to pass,’ only God—but rejoice if God found a use for your efforts in His work.”

- Dag Hammarskjöld

These words were penned on Christmas Eve 1956 by Dag Hammarskjöld, Secretary General of the United Nations, upon the successful resolution of the Suez Crisis. As missional disciples of Jesus Christ, this serves as a good reminder that it is the living presence of Jesus Christ, working through our efforts, that brings about the life transformation we seek in our mentoring relationships.

 

 

October 3rd Update – Mentored Ministry

October 10, 2011 Mentoring Update

This update is designed to inform you of our progress in getting mentors assigned and the plan for moving forward in getting the relationships started.

1. Our students are really excited and invested in the mentoring program

We have intentionally slowed down the process of assigning mentors as a way to increase students’ awareness of, and investment in the program. The positive response by (most) students has been really encouraging. Here is a quote from a freshman:

“I am taking mentoring pretty seriously… I am praying for my future mentor and that God will place me with who I need to be with. I hope they are doing the same!”

Our freshman students are engaged in the mentoring program in a way no class has been previously. They are really excited to get going and some ask me every day when they are going to find out who their mentor is going to be!

2. Students have a clear picture of what type of relationship they desire

Our new Mentoring Matrix is providing a way for students to communicate their specific desires and interests for mentoring. As a quick review, students now get to communicate their interests according to the following matrix:[1]

All relationships are SPIRITUALLY based (S)

A relationship will be either SOCIAL/FRIENDSHIP based or PROFESSIONAL/DIRECTIONAL based (S or P)

A relationship will focus on one of the core objectives

Shaping the heart (1)

Shaping the will (2)

Shaping the mind (3)

Shaping the hands (4)

As a result, students are learning to communicate what they want in the form of a formula. An SP4 relationship is a spiritually centered, professionally based relationship that focuses on developing practical ministry skills. As our mentors become comfortable with this matrix, we believe it will provide the foundation for making better matches and provide a smoother, less awkward beginning.

3. We will begin confirming relationships this week

Many returning students have requested to stay with previous mentors and some new students have requested a specific mentor. Beginning this week (10/3/2011) we will be contacting you this week to confirm that your interests matches those of the students. This contact will be primarily through phone calls, but email can also be used as a means of confirmation.

We will also begin forming new relationships this week. Primarily through phone calls we will contact you about matching you up with a particular student. We will be able to communicate with you about the type of relationship a student desires and you can make the final decision about proceeding.

4. Our mentoring data base is being updated

For the last few years records have been kept by hand and are in some cases incomplete. We are now using a database to keep better records and track ongoing relationships. Our request is that you be patient with us as we make this transition. If we ask you some questions that seem to have some fairly obvious answers, remember that we are just trying to confirm our supply what might be missing in our written records.

 

 

What Makes a Mentoring Relationship “Successful”?

Through recent assessment we realized one of the things missing from the Mentored Ministry program was a clear definition of what defines a successful mentoring relationship.

Is it successful only when there is a strong personal connection and the relationship develops to a place where there is intimacy and accountability OR are there other legitimate criteria we can use to define success?

We want this to be a community discussion, so your input is encouraged. This is a working definition that will serve as the starting point for our discussion. We want both students and mentors to help refine and shape its final form.

A successful mentoring relationship occurs when both the student and the mentor grow as a disciple of Jesus Christ in the context of their mutually agreed upon relationship.

What we are trying to achieve is the idea that mutual growth in discipleship is the ultimate outcome, but that the mentor and student get to define together what the process will look like. So what do you think… what would you add or remove from this definition to make stronger? I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

DLH